when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
