3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
