no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
