if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
