Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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