My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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