recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
