I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
