Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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