I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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