I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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