and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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