and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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