Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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