i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If that was your dad, he is hot
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Ladies don't puke and tell
Randomize
