do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
