So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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