doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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