I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
