you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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