You made me cry and you don't even care
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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