Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
being pregnant is like rehab
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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