Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
