Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
