i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
