The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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