You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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