take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
