just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Is Oprah even human
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize