I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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