If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
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