Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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