He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
