By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
