How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have aggressive nipples.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
