i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
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He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize