Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
