If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
