I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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