Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
