So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
