so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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