The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
