I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
