my cup is half full, half full of rum.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
