I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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