I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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