Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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