textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
