Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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