Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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