I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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