I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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