theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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