saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize