Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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