420 ftw
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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