hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
