just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night